Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
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5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
🤯🤯🤯
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
What?!?
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”