you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
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Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Hmmmmm
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..