Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
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Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
A friend sent me this.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.