*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
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Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
waiting for halloween be like:
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?