My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
You Might Also Like
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)