[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
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If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]