my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
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[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.