If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
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Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair