Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
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KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
umm…
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
What about second breakfast?
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.