Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
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It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE