Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
You Might Also Like
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.