If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
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Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I saw this ending much differently.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
It has been 3 years since Monday.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.