*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
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CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.