My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
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if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.