Happy Caturday!
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o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.