Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
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My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
No, I don’t think I will.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.