A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
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People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.