*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
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[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.