Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
You Might Also Like
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Namaste
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
🍛
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
“you changed” bro i was 15
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.