When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
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“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion