If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
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Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?