[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
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I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.