Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
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My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado