[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
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Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
his wife is probably gonna see that
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.