when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
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Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET