someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
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look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines