I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
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Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I’m going to need a moment here.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP