Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
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How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.