I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
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i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
No, he would not have.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats