My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
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I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Check out the legs on this baby
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.