If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
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Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.