My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
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Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
My dad.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
✌🏽
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?