When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
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It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.