Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
You Might Also Like
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.