I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
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Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]