it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
You Might Also Like
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.