The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
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I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
My new favorite headline
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.