Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
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I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”