Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
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Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Inside you there are two wolves
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake