I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
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If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
me logging onto twitter
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.