Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
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Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?