My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
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Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back