I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
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Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus