Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
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I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.