*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
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The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.