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How about daylight saves us for once
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.