There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
You Might Also Like
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Why am I like this?
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
“I wouldn’t.”
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?