You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
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ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
my astrological sign is a french fry
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something