Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
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My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
I love you…
…r dog.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.