when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
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I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL